True. Love.

Impossible to believe. Impossible to disbelieve.

Having made love between one and three pm, Avani and Rajender dozed for a while. It was Sunday, there were no classes and they felt very lazy. Besides, it was awfully hot outside. Avani had the good sense to add heavy curtains to her room. The room had cooled down by four and Rajender lit a cigarette which they shared. “Do you want to go to town?” She asked. “Nah, feeling too sluggish. Let’s go get some coffee around five”. They could hear the voices of the class loudmouths outside, already up and about. The energy levels wouldn’t go down till past midnight. “Avani.” She turned to him and handed over the reefer. “Yes?” “What do you want to do after this?” She sighed. Rajender always brought this up every time they had sex. It was as if he was stamping his ownership over her with each act and wanted her to know that.  They already had fights over this. Avani liked to hang around with the seniors, especially Guree and the Radiologist. Rajender hated both of them though you couldn’t tell with the hey-bros he would give them in the library and corridors. Meanwhile, in her room or his, he would slap her, telling her to stay within “her limits”. After one bad episode, he had knelt before her, asked her for forgiveness and then taken her out for a lavish dinner. One of the other girls always helped her later with the make-up. Everyone understood. Aisa chalta hain. What to do, yaar. Nibha loh. So she kept quiet. He would ask a few times again and she would say “Um-hum” to whatever he wanted to do in the future. There was a future but no future with one companion lasts forever. The showdown would come eventually. She had to find a way to get through it. But not today.

The cafeteria was not crowded and they sat inside in the air-con, having ordered cappuccinos. The sun started to drop fast, as it did in these parts. Motorbikes were revving up as people departed for a night on town. They would head to D’Mello’s for caramel custard and to chat with the beautiful people from the design and management schools. Anupriti and the Bong group would go by the river and sing songs and drink gin from their white bottles. She, on the other hand, had to wait in attendance on Rajender like she was already domesticated. And everyone would give them dripping smiles of envy and say how lucky she was. Fuck’s sake. She hid the shudder in another sip. The Radiologist turned up. His girlfriend was there too, one of those highly opinionated seniors from Prashant’s upmarket chum club. He waved at her and she smiled. Radio was sweet but she hoped Rajender wouldn’t get off beating her up again. Apart from the pain, she would have to work on her make-up harder. And look at the moron, he had to come over now. “Hey.” He slapped Rajender on his back. “Kya chal raha hain, Raj brother? You guys catching the movie at the drive-in?” Raj had this thing where he could hide what he felt-you had to give him that. He bumped fists with Radio and said, no dude, we can’t, we got something tonight. Sounded like a family having a barbeque and saying sorry they can’t come to the racquet club. They spoke for a second about stuff, guy stuff, like two hubbies exchanging news while their partners looked on. Such bullshit.  Radio then turned to her with an inquiry on his face, saw her expression and went away, giving a peace sign. Raj waited till he and his girl had left. “What did he signal to you?” He whispered. “What? Nothing at all. He spoke to you only”, she replied. He clenched his teeth and slammed down his cup. “What did he signal to you, Avani?” A few of the others in the room looked at them briefly. Lovers’ fight. Chalta hain yaar. “Rajender, woh sirf peace sign flash kiya.” He stared at her with wild eyes and then got up. “I have to work on my financial management paper. See you tonight. My room.” He walked away.

The lobby connecting the classrooms was deserted. One of the smaller conference halls was open with a group having a discussion. The library was open, as usual, outside the main building. The marble floor was cold and comforting. Avani caressed her cheek. That was the icing on the cake. The guy liked to hit her there, which he certainly would tonight. Then he would say sorry. What a game. And she was stuck with him. If she dumped him, the entire campus would call it a defeat. He had his group of followers in class who would spread stories about her. Her parents, who had met him on a visit and called him beta, would criticize her for losing such a catch. They had these serious chats with him about her future, their future,  while she had sat mutely listening in. But Avani admitted to herself that she couldn’t do without Rajender either. She wouldn’t have anyone to support her every day, to sit beside her in class, carry her things, bring her lunch at the mess, make her feel special at the expensive restaurants in town. And after these two years were over, then what? She needed someone. Even though she wanted to go off to the States to join  her cousins, the idea of being on her own terrified her. Why couldn’t he just agree to go the US with her? Why did they have to get married the month after graduating and go to his hometown?

There was no shadow or movement.  But someone was now sitting beside her. On the floor, like her. “Hi”, she said uncertainly. Her neighbor turned towards her. It was another girl from the outline visible in the afterglow from the small conference room. “Hello, Avani”. “I don’t think we have met before”. The girl laughed. “No, we haven’t. I am new here.” “Visiting faculty?” “Well, sort of, Avani. Just arrived, you might say”. They sat there for some time. There was no sound other than the murmur from the group in the small room. The residential building was too far away to hear anything from there. “Ma’am, may I know your name?” “Oh, of course. I am Vera”. “You have a very beautiful voice, Ma’am, if I may say so.” Vera laughed again. “Oh goodness, thanks Avani. I am really flattered. You speak well, yourself. Not like many others these days”. “But Ma’am, how did you know my name?” “You see, I had asked the institute for a profile of all the students in advance. And there was enough light here to see your face. Even in the darkness.” She felt rather than saw the smile. “Oh”. Avani got up to go. Vera looked up at her. “Avani, I want to tell you something.” “Okay.” “You know, you cannot love someone who wants to own you by pretending to love you.” She felt flustered. “I am not sure what you mean, Ma’m.” “Please call me Vera. How long will you let him beat you up?” “Ma’am…. I mean Vera. Excuse me, but this is very personal and I do not know you really. I mean, we just met now and you are new here. So….”

Vera stood up. “Avani, I am new to your programme but I am not new to the world. What is happening with you has happened before. Many times. But it still happens. Do you know why?” She brought her face close. Just an ordinary face one might lose in a crowd. But the eyes glittered. “You want to feel owned. You want someone to possess you. That gives you comfort. It’s like the warm feeling of a blanket on a cold night. And you are okay to pay the price. That’s what it is.” Avani did not know what to say. “I must go now. But know this. If you want to be free, you must embrace discomfort and uncertainty. Only you can free yourself. If you want, do it.” She walked away towards the administrative offices. Perhaps she was going to take the backdoor  short-cut to the guest house beside the director’s residence.  

Avani knocked softly on Rajender’s door. She heard a grunt in reply and entered. He was reading a book and writing notes. Rajender put down the pen and looked at her. “Thank you for dropping by, Madam. Did you get tired of the company of all the glorious, all-conquering seniors?” She sat down on the bed and reached out to touch his shoulder, stiff with anger. “Give me a minute.” Quietly compliant, she changed into her t-shirt and shorts kept in his wardrobe and waited as he closed his work. Then he turned off the overhead light and mounted her. As he came, she felt happy and torn at the same time, knowing what she had now was something many other girls on campus did not. It was like having your own household, a family with it’s little fights, secrets, public displays of anxieties and quibbles. The first hit brought pain with terror but something else as well that could not be told to anyone and which she loathed from the bottom of heart. “Do not….ever again…get so chummy with those senior guys”, he told her in a calm undertone while she bit her lip and held back the water welling up in her eyes. “Do you understand?” She nodded. “I helped you get a perfect GPA in first semester while you were flirting with that fraud show Radio. Do you remember?” She nodded again. He put a finger to the red mark on her face. “Does it hurt?” “No, Raj. It’s….it’s…ok.” “Hmm. I can do worse to you. But I won’t because I love you. You know that, right?” She kept silent, looking down at the floor.   He put a finger on her chin. “Avani, look at me.” He repeated himself. “Look at me, Avani.” She finally looked up, a hesitant smile on her face. “Say I love you, Raj”, he said. “I love you, Raj.” The next blow made her head spin. But she remembered the drill from her mother and controlled the urge to scream. A trickle of blood came out from her lips. “And I want you to not apply to those fancy universities overseas. If you do, I will tell your parents that we have broken up. How do you think they will like it, Avani?” He waited. “Avani?” She was trying to stop herself from hiccupping. The pain was much more severe than usual. “Avani. You need to learn to answer. Otherwise, I have to teach you a lesson.”

Raj raised his hand again and felt a sharp, metallic object at his throat. “Avani, this is Vera. Can you hear me alright, Avani?”  Vera spoke again. “Avani, answer me please if you can hear my voice.” Her head was ringing but Avani managed a small nod. “Good. Now I want you to do something. Get up and walk towards the door. Do not turn on the light. Can you do that, Avani?” She said yes in a very weak voice and staggered to the door. “Open the door, leave and close it from outside. Do not return.” “Yes…Vera.” “And Avani”. She turned back to face the dark form visible behind Raj. Something shone at his neck, something held by what seemed to be a hand. At least, she hoped it was a hand. “Raj will not do this again. You will not remember me. Say that to me.” “Raj will not do this again. I will not remember you.” “Good. Now go.”

Avani stood outside in the corridor, feeling breathless. The block was asleep, not a person to be seen anywhere. The yellow corridor lamps stood guard against the night. She tried to play back what she had just seen in her mind. Raj was on top of her and then he was saying something. But that was normal. They would make love and Raj would go on about stuff, sometimes slapping her and sometimes kissing or pleading with her.  So why was she standing outside his room in the nether hours? She looked at the door, firmly shut. There was no noise from inside. Had he turned her out? She stood there for a long time, staring at the doorknob and not doing anything. Then she walked back to her own room in the girls’ block. It was strange but she had not felt any urge to go back to him. Avani fell asleep and after many months, slept soundly and all by herself.

The next morning, she woke up around seven-thirty, got ready and went to breakfast. As she ate her cucumber and tomato sandwich, she saw Raj sitting by himself in a corner. She called out to him. They needed to talk about last night. It had been so strange. Was he pissed off with her? What had made her leave his room? She couldn’t just remember. “Raj.” He did not answer. Avani walked over and touched him timidly. Would he snap at her? “Raj”. He turned around and looked up at her. His expression had changed. It was the same Rajender but something…someone…had drawn out all the anger from his eyes and face. He looked so peaceful. “Are you ok?” He nodded. “Yes, Avani, I am fine.” He sounded gentle. God, what had happened to him? “Did you want to….what was going on last night?” He was puzzled. “Last night? I don’t know, Avani. Umm. Can I finish my coffee? I have to get to class early today.” He got up and walked past her. She kept looking at his back and then returned to her sandwich.

Out of the corner of her eye, Avani sensed someone standing at the mess door for a moment. There was a gaze upon her. No girl is ever wrong about that. She ran to the door and stepped outside. Nothing. No-one. Panditji’s boys were chatting and working. The first staff employees were arriving. A gardener was at work. Raj was walking away slowly towards the main building, his head down, holding books. He looked like the boy she had first seen when he had arrived and she had been sitting on a ledge near the gate, chewing gum, already there two days in advance. She felt as if she was at that starting line all over again and anything was possible.

Author’s Note: This story is a work of fiction. The characters, names, places, incidents are all completely imaginary and do not allude to any real place including a real country nor to any person or persons alive or dead. Any resemblances are purely coincidental, not deliberate in any way and deeply regretted. There are descriptions of sex and violence in this story and care should be taken if any reader is sensitive to these. Certainly, this is not reading material for anyone below 21 years of age.